Out of nowhere I got Hit in the face by cupid's Boxing glove!

So I'm standing there and out of nowhere I got sucker punched!!!!
It's strange because I've wanted a relationship and frankly it came as a surprise that someone so much younger than I am has connected with me more than anyone else I've known.
We talked and video chatted and She amazes me in every way!
I miss her right now and I talked to her not but a few hours ago, We have a lot in common and she likes me for who I am even in all my dorkiness!!!
I'm breaking all my rules which is weird for me to do in the least, She's young which normally I keep the girls I date to 25 and older...
She's not a believer which I'm not going to try and convert Her in any way because it's a personal decision She has to make on Her own although it would be even better if she did make that choice on Her own.
I never expected this at all but I find it sad and strange that all the Christian women I asked out all shot me down or plain just don't like me and yet a Non Christian girl accepts me for who I am and absolutely adores me!
That is totally messed up!
I've been asked why I didn't find someone close who's a Christian and my reply is this...
"I tried, I really did and all I got was shot down every single time."
I know this is bad in some ways but I'm so sick of being the nice 'well behaved' guy who gets nowhere with anyone and the guy women don't want to be with so I'm going to stop, relax and have fun for once in my life.
People I know won't like it but I'm an adult and it's not for lack of trying to find a nice Christian girl, I've had more of a connection with Steph than anyone else I've ever met!!!
This feels so right and She makes me so happy that I just want to be around Her all the time, it's very hard to not be around Her, I've never felt like I've wanted to be with anyone this badly before.
The strangest part of this all is how quickly it happened and the fact of how much I like Her in such a short time. :D

I know this is the spot I normally put a quote for you but I'm smiling too much... Maybe I'll add one later. lol :D

While sitting in a bookstore you'll find an elephant in the corner.

I don't get out that often in part due to the fact that I have to ration my gas of my car and the other part due to that it's far too hot and muggy lately.
Now the house I'm at doesn't have air conditioning like the old place did, I have a fan but it's hard to put it at a good decent distance from myself so it cools me and doesn't dry my eyes out.
I find it hard to do any writing of my novel, I tend to get distracted, I don't much like tv either which makes it that much stranger if I'm watching some rerun of any show.
It's either that or it's getting caught up on the web, I can zip through my accounts not problem, the main problem is that a bedroom is a dangerous place to write a novel because my bed is there calling me to dream land.
I've been so stinking tired, even when I drink an energy drink I seem to be able to drift off easy enough but then it doesn't help that I've been staying up till all hours lately.
I have an opportunity to have a girlfriend and that would be a wonderful but it would be long distance and I know more than anyone how hard that is.
On one hand it would afford me not to have to spend money on "dates" like movie and dinner, that would be convenient because I don't have the money at the moment for things like that.
Then on the other hand I don't think it would be fair to Her because I couldn't come visit her either.
It's not like she's too far away, She's only a few hours away so I'm torn with the whole thing and right now it's just being friends while I figure out if I want to pursue anything.
Generally I would jump on the opportunity to have a girlfriend just because it's been over 5 years since I've had a relationship.
This doesn't mean I'm desperate by any means because I'm not one of those people who feel they're worth something only when they're with someone.
I've been contemplating if women even like me at all because any time I ask anyone out I get shot down, it's much like a game of duck hunt.
What those women don't realize is that when I'm in a relationship I put myself in it, I'm loyal, romantic and I don't mind talking and opening up or going to see "chick flicks".
Women always whine about wanting a guy like me and yet they pass me over so quickly that I find it a bit Ironically funny.
"Why are all the best guys either taken or gay?" This is something else I hear a lot too but that is a false assumption due to the fact that they pass us up and they won't look twice at us unless we have a woman on our arm and taken.
I swear women don't notice unless that happens because once they find out someone is taken they start to ponder what qualities that man has to get another woman to be with Him.
It's enough to make me want to buy a wedding ring and see the women start being attracted, you might say that's wrong to do but I ask you, what's worse? Me putting on a fake wedding ring or the the women that ignore me unless I have a ring on?
It all doesn't matter which is worse because their both wrong and it's all comparative anyways, I don't think anything is better or worse than anything else, if we were to treat everything at the same horror then I think we could stop Judging one another.
Is molestation worse than murder or bestiality? I say no they're all wrong and all despicable so it shouldn't matter.
Now I got off on a rant there for a second but going back to what I was saying, I want to make it clear that I DON'T wear a fake ring or anything of the sort, just tempted to try it as a test.
Right now my life is less than Ideal to say the least but I realize that it could be far worse in a lot of other ways.
I just don't like feeling like a burden like I do, there's not really any Jobs available and the risk of starting a new business is dangerous in this economy with everything that's going on.
It's a rock and a hard place thing, do I go to school only to come back with no jobs available like I've seen so many times or do I go to a crappy job that will get me nowhere, start a business only to fail or not try at all and never see if I would succeed.
These are frustrations that I go through not to mention that I want to be a great writer like my ancestor Charles Dickens...
It's in my blood and I can't deny it but my creative side often outweighs my ability to push on to finish my writings, Sometimes I feel like if I had someone to challenge and push me I would have the drive to do anything.
It goes with the same way with anything I do in life though which makes it quite the paradox, I know it doesn't work this way but this is how it plays out in my head....

I'm not doing anything with my life because I don't have anyone to drive me wanting to do anything, if I had someone I would be more inclined to want to do more, I can't have someone because I'm not doing anything with my life and no one wants someone who isn't getting things done.

I find myself not being able to do either because one relies on the other, I don't make money because I don't have anyone for me to drive to earn it on and I can't have someone unless I have money to earn to go out...

I know what I need to do, I know I need to find the drive to earn money so I can find someone to spend it on but I can't quite find a reason to push myself to that extent because of reasons I have said in other entries with jobs and college.

Half the Jobs I can't do because it takes 4 year degrees which leaves menial jobs half of which I can't do which leaves sparse jobs.

I can't do food service because I can't push food out fast enough in a lunch rush and I'm not that great of a cook unless it's for myself and food service won't let you only be on register.

Retail I can't do because I worked it for 2 years and I hated how they push credit cards on the people, you don't get hours unless you have people sign up for their cards and I'm not one for forcing people into debt, I just won't do that to people.
Also I have a bad habit of being short with moron customers after a few hours and not one to hold my tongue if someone writes a check which often times gets me in trouble.
I mean honestly who writes checks in stores?? I understand writing checks for paying your bills but not for a store!

I can do office work but it's been so long since I've done that, that I'm not sure I could get a job in an office.

I can do janitorial but that just feels demeaning and lets face it, what woman would admit Her boyfriend is a janitor?

Warehouse work isn't bad but I'm a bit out of shape so it makes it hard to do what's required of me if I did.

I think about these things and it seems depressing that no matter what I do it's not going to matter much when everyone else is so far ahead in the race?

I'll leave you with these quotes...

"In a world of nonsense, everything something is, it isn't, everything it would be wouldn't, and everything it wasn't, was."

"I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy." ~Danny McGoorty

“Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.” - William James

“I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies.” ~ Pietro Aretino

Three Decades and counting...

I'm up, That's kind of a given and frankly I want to Blog a little more often.
It was my Birthday on the 31st of July, I wanted to write something but it didn't happen as you could see.
It's very strange to be as old as I am and I think it throws my Mother off that I still watch cartoons, Because everyone knows adults "don't watch cartoons" despite the fact that Adults MAKE the cartoons.
Why do I have to stop watching cartoons just because I'm an adult?
They don't make them quite like they used to though, all the stuff from today has nothing on the cartoons of the past. though I might be Biased there.
Look, I watch both shows for grown ups and "Kids" Programing.
Cartoons have always been for more adults than kids, there's things that go right over kids heads and appeal to adults.
Look at Pixar. :D
Who doesn't like it when Tom Chases Jerry around with a hammer, Jerry stops and picks up a huge mallet... Tom comes to a complete halt and finds good charity from Jerry when Jerry selflessly offers to switch the huge mallet for the little ballPene hammer.
Tom gladly switches Only to be hit on the foot with the same hammer He just switched. :D
Or how about all the other animated violence of yesteryear?
Frankly there's too many stupid people out there that think that kids aren't responsible for their actions.
I never went around hitting my brother with a shovel, you know why?? because my Parents were responsible enough to teach me right from wrong so I could watch something and know that If I hit someone they can/will get seriously hurt.
I'm not saying to let kids watch violent programing or play violent games, there are ratings there for a reason... BUT on the other hand if a kid plays a violent game or watches something Don't go blaming the things.
The parents should be confident in the fact that they hopefully taught their child, right and wrong, Reality from fantasy.
Parents can't always watch their kids 24/7, so a sleep over might turn into a movie the parent might not let their kids normally watch which is why I said it's important that you've taught your kids to know differences.
Anyway walking past that mini rant.lol
I'm 30 now and that is all too freaky to say the least because last thing I know I was 17 and all of a sudden I'm 30!
I had fun though, we went to the Safe-house in Milwaukee, If you don't know about it google it because it's a lot of fun and good food too.
Right now I feel stressed and torn because I don't feel like I've done much of anything with my life and I'm not happy where I'm at and where I'm going either.
Life isn't really complex at all in my opinion, I think we as humans make Life this big huge complex thing and make it far more complex then it has to be.
That's a lot to say coming from a person who isn't sure what to do next but then I don't think we're supposed to fully know because if we all knew what was going to happen next it would effect our judgement along with our free will.
Everyone acts according to their experiences and according to what they know, the pieces of the puzzle they've fit together so far.
The problem is that some people are only as far as the blue sky pieces so they can't quite fit where the other pieces go yet.
Have you ever heard the story of the blind men and the Elephant??

It was six men of Indostan
To learning much inclined,
Who went to see the Elephant
(Though all of them were blind),
That each by observation
Might satisfy his mind.

The First approach'd the Elephant,
And happening to fall
Against his broad and sturdy side,
At once began to bawl:
"God bless me! but the Elephant
Is very like a wall!"

The Second, feeling of the tusk,
Cried, -"Ho! what have we here
So very round and smooth and sharp?
To me 'tis mighty clear
This wonder of an Elephant
Is very like a spear!"

The Third approached the animal,
And happening to take
The squirming trunk within his hands,
Thus boldly up and spake:
"I see," quoth he, "the Elephant
Is very like a snake!"

The Fourth reached out his eager hand,
And felt about the knee.
"What most this wondrous beast is like
Is mighty plain," quoth he,
"'Tis clear enough the Elephant
Is very like a tree!"

The Fifth, who chanced to touch the ear,
Said: "E'en the blindest man
Can tell what this resembles most;
Deny the fact who can,
This marvel of an Elephant
Is very like a fan!"

The Sixth no sooner had begun
About the beast to grope,
Then, seizing on the swinging tail
That fell within his scope,
"I see," quoth he, "the Elephant
Is very like a rope!"

And so these men of Indostan
Disputed loud and long,
Each in his own opinion
Exceeding stiff and strong,
Though each was partly in the right,
And all were in the wrong!

In the end we all have our journey's ahead of us and I'm only a part way there, I think the main thing is this.
Those blind men only happened to stay where they were and never moved at all so they never felt any other part of the Elephant which is why they argued so much instead of feeling the whole beast.
I don't know what's next for me or what I'm going to be doing next, all I can hope is my Novel gets finished and hope for the best from this year and the next few years.
I know I shouldn't compare myself to others but it's hard not to when everyone else seems to have careers,families,homes and kids by my age which is what's making my life both more complex and more frustrating than it really should be.

Let me leave you with these quotes...

Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are. ~Malcolm S. Forbes

Your future depends on many things, but mostly on you. ~Frank Tyger

“You're dead if you aim only for kids. Adults are only kids grown up, anyway.” ~Walt Disney

Are all the work done by children?! Not the whipping...

Don't be alarmed... that Phrase as off putting as it is was a quote from the show Futurama.
I love the show, it's very funny, smart and frankly the best Animated show on Tv to date if not dare I say ever!
In context the quote is funny because it puts the reality of the 3rd world in front of people's faces and in a interesting way.
I think you can do anything in comedy to get a little chuckle out of people but then they think about it, it's face to face with people.
As a matter of fact I was talking with someone on the 28th about how there are Children in other countries who pretty much live on a dump, sorting through filth and garbage for little money, not going to school because they need to help their family.
I have gone to Jamaica twice and both times we went to orphanages, that was very hard because those kids were so love deprived it made it hard not to want to take one home with you...Truly Heart breaking.
In this economy it's hard to do anything other than worry about what will happen to your own family let alone another person in your own town, state, country or even half way around the world.
We're supposed to be socially aware and it's good that people go to other countries to help where needed.
Now that I said that let me say this...

We are a broken country, it's left vs. right and we are all broke in this economy with 10% of people unemployed at the moment.
we have people loosing their homes, barely making ends meet to feed their families.
That's here and it's sad that in a country like ours we should have to see anyone wind up in that situation.
Look, I'm all for Helping our fellow man, in fact when I have money I buy someone a meal that is hard up.
If you donate to charities let me say that's great but also maybe think about finding one that can help here in the states because how can we help others when there are still problems in this country?
Yes I realize that we have programs here that help or are supposed to but often time there's so much red tape it's redonkulous!
If you know a family in need maybe you can help them out, help out in a food pantry, Shelter or things like that.
I've heard of people taking their kids on Christmas to show them how fortunate they are and show them how to give a real gift and what the season really means.
Maybe you think I'm a jerk because I'm saying we need to put our own before any other country but we need to look out for our own because no matter what your stand is we are all American first and foremost which makes us all brothers and sisters.

I usually get a lot of guff for what I'm going to say next but I'm saying it anyway because it needs to be said.
We have helped how many countries out over the years and how many help us when we need it? China bails us out but now we're working for them.
Is it any wonder our economy collapsed when all our stuff is from other countries and we don't do nearly as much exporting?!
On top of that the Banks gave out freaking loans to people who they knew can never pay it back.
There's too much to put down about why our economy is screwed up as it is but I won't go into that now.

I'll leave you with these quotes...


I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love. ~Mother Teresa


Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. ~William James

Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. ~Buddha

Bread for myself is a material question. Bread for my neighbor is a spiritual one. ~Nicholas Berdyaev

Stop the world I want to get off!

If you have been wondering why I haven't been writing it's because I've been Preoccupied with what's been going on in my life.
I don't like where I am in life, I look around and I see what's going on with everyone else and I feel as though I should be farther along with my life.
I'll be turning 30 at the end of the month and I have nothing to show for it, my Younger brother just got married not long ago, it's like that with a lot of people I know, My brother has built a place for Himself as a manager where He's worked for 11 years.
Granted I know He wants more but at least He's got something stable to hold onto which is more than I can say for myself.
I'm unemployed like 10% of Americans but even before that I had a hard time finding or holding a job although it's nice to blame a downed economy so I don't feel like such a failure.
Living with your parents is not the most Ideal place to be even though I understand more people my age are living with parents.
Well the unemployed thing isn't totally true I guess, I mean I work as a media Manager for a friend of mine but my pay is based on a project we're doing and that's on hold for now so I won't have income until the project is done.
I feel bad because all I can do is Help out, I don't have any money to give my parents and most often I'm asking for it, mainly for eating if I do go out which lately hasn't been much.
I've cut down on the places I go so it's a bit easier but it's still hard on everyone across the board.
Sometimes I just want to pick up and go somewhere but then I think about it and have no clue where I would go.
I have friends in different places but then I would want to move somewhere warm but I don't know people in warm places...
What sucks the most is the fact I have no dating life, I know I need a job before I can date because I'm responsible like that but even if I did find someone to go out with it's not very Ideal that they would want to go back to dear ol' mom and dad's place.
Not that I don't love my parents but let's face it, I'm not a teenager anymore even though I didn't really date in my teen years either but that's another story all together.
I feel even more torn by the fact that I kind of want to go back to school but I have seen too many bad things with going back to school to doubt if it's even worth it to go.
I've seen people, get student loans and then head for 4 years of college or trade school, they get done only to find that either...

1. They have to go back to the same crap work they were trying to get away from.
2. They have nothing to come back to only to have to keep paying back student loans that they will never be able to pay back.

Right now it seems like I would have nothing to loose, I mean after all I'm already unemployed right?
Well see the thing is that I went for 2 years to a trade school and came back to nothing and I don't want to waste my time to come back to nothing again.

Another problem is that I have too many things I want to do if I did go back to school.

I want to be a better writer.
I want to go into art.
I want to go into animation.
I want to go into Film.
I want to go into Audio recording.

all these things would coincide with one another but would take years upon years to do, Right now I'm 30, even if I did do only 2 years each and passed, did well, I would be 40 by the time I got everything done and with no real promise of ever getting a Job.

My problem is that I am so scattered right now, I'm trying to write my novel and get it done but I'm so stressed out because I need money now and I keep getting side tracked and it's driving me nuts.

I know God has everything under control but I feel like I don't know what I should be doing right now, I want to pay my parents for staying here but it's so freaking hard to find something I won't fail at.
that's another story though...

People my age already have careers, wifes, houses and children of their own by now, all set and it drives me nuts that people younger than I am already are farther along in life than I am.

Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth getting out of bed anymore.

I'll leave you with this Quote...

"No amount of sizzle will make a bad steak good." - Anonymous
“School's a weird thing. I'm not sure it works.” - Johnny Depp

Happy Birthday America!!

Well not really, I mean the 4th wasn't really when we were founded but it is when the day was picked.
It's amazing how fast time goes by and it's another year of fire works but fireworks weren't really a big deal for me.
Yes they're pretty and I saw a big mess of them at warner park on the 3rd for Rhythm and booms, if you're not familiar let me enlighten you, then again you could just look it up too. lol
It's the biggest fireworks display in the mid-west no doubt, put to music, frankly it was ok but then like I said I'm not big on fireworks.
My Dog is cowering at my feet as I type because shes a scaredy Dog and she doesn't like the booms. lol
I went down and hung out with friends and that and watched fireworks but then I got lost on my way back to our seating because I had walked over to a gas station across the street to go buy water because they were freaking charging $3.00 for it!
Mama didn't raise no fool so I bought mine a $1.00 earlier in the day but then when I went back to buy more they closed early and that's when I lost my group, had to call a friend to find them again.
After words I sat in traffic for an hour trying to get home... fun. o.0
So today I went to church, after which I came home and took a nice nap, it's weird to hear yourself say that when you get older.
I woke up refreshed and headed to another 4th of July party but left before the Fireworks because it looked like it was going to storm.
This Holiday weekend was good, good food and friends... I hope all of yours went well also.
I suppose this is the point I could pop in with something about God and our forefathers but I've done that in the past and I'm kinda tired so I'll just leave it at have a happy fourth everyone. :)

The hardest thing anyone could ever do.

It's already June and I've been preoccupied with relatively unimportant things but I'm hoping to change some habits I have when I move which isn't too far away.
One of those habits is speaking my mind, Now It's only my opinion but by far the hardest thing anyone can do is holding their tongue and not speaking their mind.
I've been pretty good about it and learning to not saying anything but I still have a long way to go with that and it has a way of sneaking up on me from time to time.
The worst place I have trouble in is online, this is not a medium for arguing with anyone mainly due to what I call Verbal delay.
When you talk it is mainly a reactionary thing where you can talk back and forth with fluid motion with no guessing needed on intent of How the words are both presented and tone of voice.
When I'm in a one on one conversation I can respond to something with immediacy and expand on it as needed so there is no mistake with intent.
However the same cannot be done online due to the following reasons...

1. Short space.

There are two parts to this.
A.} Often times you only get so many words to convey your statement and often times you cannot fully explain your intent so you have to compact often resulting in people thinking you're not thorough enough or misinterpreting your message leading to people thrashing your opinion.

B.} In the case of where you do get plenty of room and can fully write your full thoughts out you are forced to shorten your thoughts into the best way possible due to the fact that no one wants to read long expounding essay's.
Often times instead of reading your full thoughts people skim the words and/or subconsciously skip a word that is vital in conveying the point.
For instance... If you write "Lindsy is not a whore." people skip over the word 'not' and the words turn into "Lindsy is a whore."
I don't know why this is but it does happen very strangely and I am confident that it is subconscious and not intentional.

2.There is a delayed reaction.
Because there isn't an auditory response of physically Hearing you often times get caught with having to wait for a response from the person or if it's an open forum of any number of people waiting to type their opinions.
It takes a while to type a response to these people and so a normal conversation that would not take long can go on forever getting nowhere in the least because another thing that happens is that people who haven't seen the whole conversation tend to repeat things that have already been talked about variably starting a lot over because no one wants to go through Days weeks, months if not years of chat logs depending on how long the topic was posted and how heated it got.
Not to mention pages upon pages of logs.

Inevitably posting anything online causes a never ending up hill battle that no one wins because no one gets their point across without a huge backlash from one side or the other ultimately becoming useless in all aspects.

So even in knowing this I still have the habit of speaking my mind which logically and literally is insane because I keep hoping for a different outcome other than a never ending battle which never happens.
I've been seriously trying to stop online debate knowing that it will never go anywhere and just let it go because if I don't stop it at the start It'll be very hard to stop myself from stopping.
I've gotten much better in the real world and holding my tongue and being better at lowering my level and even letting things go, now all I have to do is just keep reminding myself not to start in the first place.
I just have to let others be wrong and have me not say anything which is really hard for me to do, when someone says something incorrect I feel a very strong urge inside pushing me to correct others.
A big part of this has to do with the Asperger's in me and I'm not using it as an excuse by any means but more of the fact that it Helps me understand myself Better and have a better understanding of what I need to correct in my own life and how to go about doing that.

People often times don't understand why I am the way I am or why I'm loud, speak my mind so flat out boldly, see things in black and white and why I sometimes get so obsessed with things.
I think my obsession more times comes out in the form of wanting to correct people with misinformation and in doing so I won't let go most times until it's corrected.

Recently an old friend of mind posted something on His Facebook page to which I was not the only one to jump in and correct Him in His mis-beliefs on a subject.
For some reason a friend of His {Not mine} proceeded to suggest that the only mission in my life was to only prove my friend wrong as if I stayed nestled by His page waiting to strike and lash out like I had nothing better to do with my life.
They also said a few other things to me which I won't get into and so in defense to correct this misinformation I Private messaged them because I wouldn't want to get into anything on a public forum since it can get very crowded quickly.
I do this with everyone and anyone who talks to me because it's only proper to at least give defense to an attack.
In doing this my friend got upset simply because I messaged His friend whom I didn't know despite the fact that their friend openly attacked me and I was at least nice enough to private message that person rather than getting into it on a public forum.
Long story short they unfriended me which is their right to do so but they did not see my right to defend myself against a threat.
I do wonder, should I just let people carry on with false information and passing it on to others or do I take the risk of correcting that despite being right and backed and vindicated by others will turn into a never ending battle?
I don't have that kind of time to waste on ignorant people and yet the drive inside me doesn't want those people to keep being ignorant either.
It's a Paradox...
I think from not on I'll be trying my darnedest to stick to verbal correction and leave online ones out.
God holds us accountable to that if we do not at least try to correct misinformation and God will hold false teachers accountable for all those who they led astray with their misinformation.
I swear in my near 30 years of life this is my greatest challenge yet of personal growth and I'm sure there are more to come.